whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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