Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
