Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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