plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
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I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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