Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Welp...herpes.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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