I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
