he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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