My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
a search helicopter?!
Found your dick twin last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
