I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
