Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
