4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
