Got a toothbrush?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
