pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
