since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
