I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
