If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
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I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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