if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni