whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
