After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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