her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
