Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
