I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize