i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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