our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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