He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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