apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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