The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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