I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
