i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
