If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
