my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
