Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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