i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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