I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
