We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
MIDGETS
????
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
