My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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