Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
