Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
