Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
