There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
