She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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