he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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