my vag is so smooth its legendary
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
