I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
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Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
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Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize