Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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