Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
