I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
