I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
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He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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