dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Someone shit on the floor
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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