btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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