around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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