im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
