first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
