just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
