i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
