broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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