nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
