my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
